I really gotta stop these gigantic gaps between posts!

So sorry, so sorry, been doing a lot. Don't even feel like putting this into story form so we gonna do this another way today... Ok? Ok.

- Had one terrific day that included an epiphany, news of 3 terrific grades in some of my classes, the budding of a growing friendship, news of when I would finally be allowed to move out, joining DRIVEN (a Christian youth organization on campus), and some other stuff lol.
- Finally moved out... had some issues with that, the 2 girls (in 2 separate apartments, mind you) both decided they weren't movin out on the day they were supposed to. Bad thing bout that? Me and Alicia didn't both end up moving down a floor (she was supposed to go to 212, me to 215). Good thing? We ended up being able to move into the same apartment, albeit on the 4th floor (ugh the stairs, the stairs!)
- Got my tv... thank u Richie!
- Speaking of him... I'm getting used to the fact that me and Richie aren't getting back together anytime soon, if ever.
- Might be someone new on the horizon! (depending on if I choose to start dating again... not quite sure if I'm ready. BUT me and him are real cool, and we do like each other)
- My new roommates are clean and quiet... hallelujah! Cuz we know those 2 I left behind were loud obnoxious and dirty, as if they had no idea what the words "tidy and clean" even meant, let alone how to be them.
- The roommate right beside me is real cool... can see us getting close. The other one, not so much, but she's alright...
- I have 2 main groups of friends... drama free on both sides... and I'm really surprised that I'm connecting with the females because I really don't keep female friends like that.
- Speaking of my groups of friends... Whooooo that party on Friday (with one of the groups) was off the chain! Lol...
- I miss Husband! She's been gone for over a week, she'll be back tomorrow tho, which makes me happy (she missed the party, and it was at her house -sigh-)
- Excited that Melli Mel is coming to visit in a lil more than a week! Omgsh I miss herrrrrrr!
- Also excited that my twinny twin twin is coming this week for her and Lil Sis's b'day :)
- Loving the fact that I'm doin better in my classes this semester than last... can't afford to fck up this time.
- Missin certain ppl who I've either (a) lost contact with, or (b) had senseless fallings-out with... thinking about attempting to remedy some of them, but I'm not sure how to go about it... -sigh-
- Regretting certain things that happened years ago, even though they're not my fault... It's getting to be about that time of the year that I have my week or so of complete sadness, don't be surprised if I write a few sad-ish poems on MiZzUnD3RzT00D P03TRii around the 21st...

Can't really think of anything I missed, will edit if need be.

Hungry... going to get some food... catch y'all next time!

[END]

Finding it surprisingly uncomplicated to...
-Breathe easy-

Sorry for being away so long!

So many things have happened since the last time I wrote... But the short version is, me and Richie broke up completely... and I'm finding myself to be okay with that. The dreams I had when I was younger (and before I even met him) still confuse me, but I figure that THAT part will work itself out in time. Maybe those were predictors of what will come later, and we're not meant to be RIGHT NOW. Or maybe we're just plain not meant to be. Either way, life will go on. Does it hurt? Yes. Will it always? Maybe a little, but not like it did when it was a fresh wound. Will I die from the pain? Absolutely not. One more wound to my heart will not kill me... I will heal, and I'll be fine. Maybe I will love another, maybe I will not. But I will be okay!

On another note, two out of the four ppl living in this apartment will be moving out sooner rather than later. Which two, you may ask? Not quite sure yet. It will either be me and Alicia, or Jami and Abree... The latter two have gotten out of hand, what with the eating of other ppl's food, the belongings misplaced and outright missing, the weed smoking, the harassment, the lack of cleaning, the constant flow of equally loud and obnoxious ppl, the blatant disregard of my feelings and Alicia's feelings... the list goes on, but the point is, it is out of hand. And somebody put rubbing alcohol in Alicia's contact solution... that's way too far. She could have been blinded! So neither I nor Alicia feel safe in this apartment with them also in here. Somebodies have to go... hopefully it will be them (as opposed to us) because we shouldn't have to go through the hardship of moving, since they are the ones creating the problem. We'll see what happens by Thursday, though.

Onto a good note... I've gotten closer to a girl I met through Richie... her name is Sarah. She's really cool, and a good friend. Through her I've also gotten closer to another girl, Danielle. It's funny though, I don't really keep a lot of female friends, for the simple fact that stuff like what I'm going through with my roommates happens (I befriend them, we're cool, they stab me in the back at some later date), but I'm hoping that Danielle and Sarah won't end up the same... They shouldn't though, because they are the type to keep it real... like instead of going behind your back to do something, they're gonna do it right in front of you... If they have a problem, they let you know instead of smiling in your face then talking shit when you're not around. I need more people like them in my life... Plus they're fun as shit to hang with, we had the bombest time this weekend... I stayed at Sarah's all weekend instead of being here, which was good cuz if I had stayed here Saturday there might have been problems. But Friday we had a "party" (more like a get together but we were wild'n out!)... Saturday... um I don't even remember what happened Saturday lol... I'm drawing a blank... When I figure it out I'll edit, lol. Sunday I slept in, cuz I was tireddddddd! Then later on we went to SpelHouse's stroll-off (for their freshman dorms). Sarah coaches the Hubert hall team... And they won :) We were so happy for them.

Oh... we went to the football game on Saturday... CAU definitely whipped Morehouse... 29-2! So let them talk ish bout our team now!!! Lol

Anywho... I'm off to some RealTalk session, so I gots ta go... Laterz lovelies!

[END]

Starting over is hard, but it's helping me to...
-Breathe easy-

The Good, the Bad, and the Confusing...

Today was an okay day...

The Good: Went to "Total Attention"... a gospel concert hosted by Driven, a Christian group on my campus... He's a part of Driven (it's open to people from all the schools in the AUC) so I was with him and my "lil sis" BriBri... I really enjoyed it, especially the fact that Dewayne Woods (he sings "Let Go") was there and sang "Let Go". I also especially enjoyed the youth pastor that spoke... she's really good. All in all it was a fantastic experience.

The Bad: Broke down crying in front of him today... which doesn't make me happy. But some things were really weighing on me (have been for awhile) and so the littlest thing caused me to have a complete meltdown... Ugh. I really hate crying in front of people... and this is the fourth time he's actually SEEN me cry, and he also was on the phone with me a couple times when I was crying... This really pisses me off that I'm such a baby when it comes to him... GRRR...

The Confusing: While I was crying (and when I say I was crying in front of him, I mean, sobbing, shaking, and all... gross) he was comforting me... and he said at one point that he was gonna "make it right real soon"... what the hell does that even mean? I'm hoping it means that we'll be getting back together soon... but who knows with him??? We'll see what happens...

[END]

Til next time...
-Breathe easy-

Confused...

Wow... just wow. So he stayed over last night and... some ol' extra stuff happened... Good stuff, but it confuses the hell out of me, cuz that stuff didn't happen while we were together so... why now? Omgsh... omgsh... I'm done. I have nothing else to say today!

[END]

It's seeming a lil bit easier for me to...
-Breathe easy-

High Hopes (that most likely will be destroyed, but oh well)

Is it bad that I'm like... super excited that Richie is gonna stay over tomorrow... even though I know that it means nothing to him and everything to me?

I find myself taking any little bit of attention he shows me and basking in it... when I know that doing so is only going to hurt me in the long run when one day he decides to just stop doing it...

But then again I feel like this is only a temporary separation... and that one day everything is going to be right again...

Because he DID say it was supposed to be temporary...

But how long is temporary??? How long am I expected to wait for him to come to his senses? How long am I gonna still play the girlfriend and he still play the boyfriend role, minus the titles? Because that's what we're doing right now... It really feels like nothing has changed... except the kissing {because we already didn't have sex so nothing is missing in that department}. I swear, we do EVERYTHING we used to do while we were together except kiss... except that random one on Friday which ALMOST gave me hope, but then I asked him about it and was politely brought back down to Earth...

Idk. But he's coming and spending the night tomorrow so we'll see how that goes...

Taking it one day at a time because I definitely can't bear to have any more fantasies shattered into a million pieces...

[END]

Trying not to hyperventilate... just need to...
-Breathe easy-

Friends With Drug Problems: What Do I Do?

I'm definitely concerned for a few of my friends...

It seems they're developing (or have developed) a serious drug problem... I mean, I wasn't worried when they were smoking weed. Hell, who HASN'T smoked a little weed in their lifetime? Even though one of them definitely IS addicted cuz she goes through withdrawal symptoms when she hasn't had any in a while. But all of that aside, I wasn't worried... til I found out that the one who smokes the most ALSO huffs and pops pills. So I've been concerned about her for a little while now. But last night, I also became worried about two more of them, because those two along with the third that I was already worrying about definitely were smoking weed laced with codine. I'm pretty sure that nothing about that is safe... They might as well be popping pills with her. I'm left to wonder if actually popping the pill or smoking it is worse... Idk, I'm not an aficionado of the drug life. But I DO know that what they're doing isn't good for them, and I definitely can't rock with it like I did when they were just smoking weed. What do I do? I have a feeling that if I say something to them, they're going to say I'm sadiddy and acting like a parent... and probably feel that I'm judging them, which I'm NOT... I'm just really concerned and worried for their health (not to mention that they could go to jail if they're found out AND the one with a job could lose it if her job decides to do random drug screening).

[END]

Worrying about my friends really makes it impossible for me to...
-Breathe easy-

Dreams...

So I've come to the conclusion that I hate hate HATE my subconscious mind...

This is because the stupid stupid thing give me dreams like the one I had last night...

I hate when I have a dream that seems so real and so wonderful... and then I wake up and realize that it was simply a dream... a manifestation in my mind of my deep-down wants and desires... and that these wants and desires are still UNMET... It really upsets me.

So my message for today:

FUCK YOU, SUBCONSCIOUS MIND!

[END]

Dreaming of the day when I'll finally be allowed to...
-Breathe easy-

Le sigh...

So...

Today is a good day... I went to the West End Mall with my roomies, got me some new hair (lol... Blame the breakup for me doing drastic things), got me some Jamaican food, which made me happy... had a talk with someone and worked out our differences... and now we're all just hanging out.

Still kinda sad about the breakup but at least I haven't cried all day :/

We'll see what happens...

[END]

It's getting a little easier to...
-Breathe easy-

I Hate The Male Ego... With A Burning, SEARING Passion

Everytime he walks away, it hurts more... but if I want him to come to me, I'm going to have to deal with it... Because the only way I can see him come to me, is if I let him walk away...

::cries::

UGH WHY AM I SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN? AND WHY CAN'T HE STOP GUARDING HIS FEELINGS ENOUGH TO LET ME IN?

He said that he loves me... and honestly, just knowing the type of person he is, I think that's the reason he broke up with me... he's afraid of the fact that he loves me... Because that means NOT having complete control over every aspect of his life... which he hates...

DAMN YOU, MALE EGO! YOU'RE FUCKIN UP MY LIFE!

[END]

All I wanna do is find a way to...
-Breathe easy-

Fade To Black: a 2-Part Work

<[The Prose (Part 1)]>

Crazy how life does you...

You think you've finally brought it together... That your planets have finally aligned, and you've got everything right with your world... Then life snatches the rug right from under your feet, causing you to fall flat on your a--... I mean... Face. As you lay there attempting to figure out how you got to this place, you begin to notice them... All the pieces of you scattered about. There's big ones, small ones, some as big as your head... Wait, IS that your head? You can't tell, all the pieces, once so recognizable when a part of a whole, are now indistinguished. You try to get up, but you find that the weight of the world is on your back--- Yes, your BACK, not your shoulders. You struggle to right yourself, but the effort is too much for you. As you realize that you're not a worthy contender in the match of LIFE, you give up and drift into blackness...

... or do you???

<[The Poem (Part 2)]>

Broken into a million scattered pieces
My heart...
---It would hurt... if there was any of it left to feel pain
But there isn't...
---You've ripped it out of my chest
------Thrown it to the ground, stomped on it
Ground it into dust...
---Ashes to ashes, right?
My heart has died, reverted to its dust form
Will you be at the funeral?
...No you don't care enough to attend, do you?
---...didn't think so...
But WAIT, was that just a beat I heard?
---...nah just wishful thinking
There's no hope for it...
---Why?
------...Cuz the last time this happened, I made SURE to get a DNR order
The pain's too great, when they resuscitate...
So...
---When you murdered my love...
A flatline on the moniter, no coming back...
---As my heart faded to black...

[END]

Learning that I'll never be allowed to...
-Breathe easy-

It's Over... [Single Again]

Well...

He broke up with me... on our 8 month milestone... I was gonna go all out for him, too... Cook, soft music, candles, dimmed lights... Was even planning on giving him a massage with body oils... And I was finally gonna give him a watch I had bought for him awhile back. But now that's all pointless, because he broke up with me... Wow. And the thing about it, it was unexpected, everything had been going so well lately, minus when I had THOUGHT he cheated on me (I was wrong) and minus the busy-ness of our schedules/lack of quality time (well mostly his cuz he has a LOT of stuff to do, it being his senior year, and with him trying to find a job and an apartment, plus all his extracurricular activities). But other than that, I thought everything was going smoothly... stupid stupid me... -sigh-

I'm giving up on love because clearly I am not making good choices, I thought I was making a great one with him but look how THAT ended... and the thing about it is, his "reason" for ending it doesn't really make sense... I actually think that there's another reason that he doesn't wanna tell me so he made up a bullshit excuse... and he was supposed to come over and talk some more about it but of course he isn't... supposedly he's gonna call me when he gets home but I don't believe it, so... we'll see.

Seems like I know absolutely NOTHING about what's going on in my life right now... All I DO know is that my heart hurts, and I feel like I'm dying inside...

[END]

It never works anyway, so fuck trying to...
-Breathe easy-

Ugh... I HATE HIM (but I love him so much it hurts)... =[

I hate feeling like I'm in a relationship alone... or, more like, I hate feeling like I'm the only one in the relationship that actually gives a damn...

I haven't seen this man since FRIDAY MORNING... 5 and a half days ago... and he comes over today, with three of his friends, for half an hour... WTF.

Can I get some quality time? And why the hell has it been 5 and a half days when you are within an eighth of a mile of me every damn day (except Sundays and most Saturdays)???

Fuck this shit. I'm gonna do me and if I see him, I see him, if I don't, I don't and I'm not gonna trip cuz I'm sick of being the only one making an effort, gotdammit.

[END]

This is why it's so hard for me to...
-Breathe easy-

Done

So I was right about something being not quite right with my friends [really, my roommates]. They are some back-stabbing, conniving, two-faced, awful people. That's all I have to say on that note.

[END]

Ppl are making it so hard for me to...
-Breathe easy-

NOT dying... Just a lil hurt

So... turns out that my tendency to jump to conclusions has caught up with me... Because I was completely, TOTALLY wrong about the context of the text messages that nearly turned my whole life upside down... ::sigh:: Research is key before analysis, that's all I gotta say...

However, the text messages, though not what I thought originally that they meant, were STILL inappropriate... But we're working it out, somehow, some way. We had a nice lil chat about some things, and we're fixing what needs to be fixed.

Only thing is, he told me yesterday that we need to have a sitdown talk... and won't tell me what about... which is kinda freaking me out just a little bit because I honestly cannot think of anything that we would need to have a sitdown talk about... especially not so soon after the last one. Idk, I'll find out either tomorrow or Tuesday, I guess... blah.

In other news... I believe there's some fishy stuff going on with a few of my friends... due to a friend of one of them... and I don't like it, because everything was cool until she started hanging with us... Now I find myself left out an awful lot. Why? The world may never know, because I haven't done anything to any of them... All I ever do is try to be (and succeed at being!) a good friend to them, so why don't I get the same in return? Probably because I'm the type not to say much if I'm not completely comfortable with someone, which I'm NOT with the friend of my friend... and she's the type to be loud, bold, and brash whenever, wherever, to whoever... Not a good mix... I probably would do better to just keep to myself instead of trying to fit in with that type of person anyway, because eventually our personalities are gonna clash and that would NOT be a pretty sight, I can assure you of this already. Because it takes awhile to get me to that point, but once you do--- OH IT'S ON! Lol. Seriously though, I don't do well with her personality type... especially the sneaky, talk about you behind your back and smile in your face part... That irks my nerves because if I'm going to talk about someone, it doesn't matter if they're in front of me, behind me, to the side of me, in Japan, on the moon, whatever! If I can say it ABOUT them, I can say it TO them. I'm brave and if someone is gonna talk about me, they need to be brave too. The end.

But... I'm finna go on and put all my creativity into another blog... lol well I'm gonna go post all of my poems that I can find on there... Just gotta create the daggone thing! LOL...

[END]

Til next time...
-Breathe easy-

Dying...

I feel like I'm dying... My life is in a shambles... I feel like there's nothing in my life that is definite... NOTHING. Not even my relationship, because I just don't know who this person is that I've been with for the last 8 damn months... It's like, there's 2 of him... the illusion that I fell in love with, and the real him... the one who does me grimy and just generally doesn't give a FUCK about me...

::hides from the world, curls into a ball, and dies::

[END]

I can't ever seem to be able to...
-Breathe easy-

What Once Was Roses... [[a poem]]

What happened to what we had? I don't understand
The last I checked, I was your lady, you were my man
What happened to us being faithful and true?
Where did this nonsense come from, out of the blue?
Why don't we connect so perfectly like we used to do?
Why does it seem, I'm always chasing after you?
What happened to honesty, loyalty, respect?
What happened that makes me feel you gonna move onto the next?
What happened to the love that nourished my soul?
I'm sitting here, laid back, watching it all unfold
I know, I KNOW, that something's not right
What happened to all the times you held me tight?
What happened to me being yours, and you mine forever?
Sometimes I wonder if our time together
Is drawing to a close, though I don't want it to happen, NEVER
But it seems like we can't seem to hold the pieces together
Why did Friday morning mark the end of the bliss?
I guess its cuz that's the day that my ignorance
Was shattered, pieces scattered, nothing left clouding my mind
And me seeing that this thing isn't all happiness and sunshine...
What happened to the future plans, we talked about achieving?
What happened to not being the type to be deceiving?
What happened to waiting... I'm sure you know what I mean
Cuz that just doesn't mesh with what I've seen...
Maybe I was wrong for looking, but I needed to know
What the strain has been lately, didn't know how to ask so...
Yeah, they say don't go looking if you don't wanna see
But I did it anyway, stupid stupid me
And what I found was enough to make my head light
Got my mind filled with questions, can't sleep well at night
Got me sitting here listening to music, weeping & crying
Got me over here feeling like my heart is slowly dying
Got me cussing and screaming, smoking and drinking
Knocking shit over, throwing things cuz I can't stop thinking
And all the while I'm wondering if you even care
Did you think about it before you took the actions that brought me here?
What happened to us? That question is my hope's blight...
"What was once roses, is now potpourri"

......... yeah, sounds about right...

-Breathe easy-

So...

It seems like I've lost my best friend... and I really do not understand what happened. I mean, yeah we fuss every now and then, but I didn't really think our last episode of "fussing" was that serious... maybe I was wrong? And this whole thing on my note... doesn't really explain what the problem is either. I'm confused as all get out.

::ETA (10:45 PM):: Yeah so this whole note thing is getting out of hand... and she's basically over there threatening to say things to my boyfriend that a best friend wouldn't say... for what reason?

::ETA (8/13/08, 11:02 PM):: So I wake up to a note about how I've admitted to cheating on every significant other I've had (which is one of her favorite things to say and is NOT true because I haven't and me and her have had this conversation before)... But anyway I'm gonna quote what she said:

-- No, if you admit to cheating on every significant other you've had, constantly LIE about the type of person you are, and generally act like a fake ass.. you have absolutely NO room to say anything about what I do/say.. When I was where you are now, I had let that CHILDISH bs behind.. If you're not ready for a relationship you're not ready for a fcking relationship.. but there is nothing grown about claiming to love one dude (that you're in a relationship with) why being in a "relationship" with otherS.. grow up, or shut up

-- STILL struggling with this now, some people have NO idea how badly I just want to put their "stuff" out there.. isht, you did it to me.. after haggling to get access to what I let no one else see you're just going to put it out there like that?? o.k.a.y

Like I said, I never admitted to anything of the sort, but whatever... I lie about the type of person I am? I act like a fake ass? How??? And when did I ever say anything about anything that she does or says that ties in to that? And she needs to go somewhere with that statement about "nothing grown" b/c grown people can understand where the issue may lie, I have definitely seen what the problem is and I'm trying to make moves to fix it, and I'm pretty fuckin sure she knows that since it's written all in one of my blogs... But clearly she wants to be an asshole and try to call someone out... what the fuck ever.

And this whole, struggling not to air my business out... Why? There's no reason for her to want to do something like that... And I really REALLY don't understand how she figures that I put her business out there... because I didn't... didn't put the URL anywhere, didn't even say to anyone that the girl even HAD a blogspot account, so wtf is she talking about?

I don't see what I did that could possibly make this girl hate me so much in such a short amount of time! Or maybe it's not a short amount of time. Maybe she's hated me for a long time, but I was too blind to see it... I don't know... All I know is, I feel more alone than I've felt in a long time. The one person I thought understood me for the most part, the person I thought I could tell ANYTHING to and get good feedback, the girl I love like a sister... is treating me so bad... and I really don't get it... at all. It hurts my heart to know that the last one I thought would desert me, is the one that's gonna do it.

-Breathe easy-

Misplaced Anger in Instances of Infidelity

Okay... In my last blog, I got a little bit sidetracked at one point... When I was talking about the girl who wanted to fight me because her boyfriend left her, supposedly for me, but in reality because she is "psycho" (his words). My digression was about why girls go after the "other woman" instead of the guy that did the dirt:

"Speaking of the girl that wants to fight me over this boy... What's up with that? Why do females want to fight the other woman in situations like that? Why don't they go after the man? Honestly, the other female isn't the one betraying you. She's not the one that's supposed to treat you right and be faithful to you. The man that's allowing this female to get all up in his space is the one that's in the wrong... Take it up with him, because half the time, the other woman doesn't even know about YOU until it's too late. That stuff amazes me. If ever oh ever my boyfriend does some crazy mess, I'm going after HIM, not the female, because he's the one I'm in a relationship with, not her." - "Looking Up", July 31, 2008

This kind of thing happens a lot. We see it in movies, on television, hear it in songs, read about it in books, blogs, poetry, et cetera et cetera. But we never seem to question the logic of these females (or in some cases, males because they do it too.) What makes it okay to direct your ill feelings about the situation toward the only person in the situation who has no ties and no responsibilities toward anyone except themselves? Why isn't the cheater being held accountable for their actions?

Think about it: Persons A and B are married. Person B steps outside of their marriage and sleeps with Person C (who is unaware of the fact that Person B is married), starting an affair. Person A discovers this and gets angry. Does Person A (i) confront Person B, who they are married to, or (ii) confront Person C, the outsider who has no clue of the true nature of their relationship with Person B?

More and more often, the second option is the one chosen by Persons A. Instead of confronting the ACTUAL perpetrator, they go for the co-victim, who they perceive to be the perpetrator. They spread rumors about the person, harass them, call them blocked and play on their phones, slash their tires, show up at their jobs and try to get them fired, put dead animals in their mailboxes, physically assault them... You name it, they do it. And what happens to Persons B all over the world? Person A usually cries/screams/fusses/gives them the silent treatment/ throws them out/ignores them for awhile to make the point that the behavior exhibited is unacceptable, then... Takes. Them. Back. Why??? Why punish the person who is probably feeling almost as hurt as you are instead of punishing the person who caused the madness? It makes no sense to me at all, yet... its the norm rather than the exception these days.

What makes us (humans) vilify the victims & glorify and encourage the perpetrators? Do we love punishment that much that we constantly let people walk all over us all willy-nilly? Why do we allow ourselves to be doormats for people not only to walk on, but to scrape the mud and dog shit off their Timberland boots on, creating rather disgusting smears that we loathe yet embrace? And then we complain when it happens again, even though we knew from the time we saw the boot coming the first time that it would happen again and again if we allowed it.

Please someone explain this to me, because I don't get it.

-Breathe easy-

Looking Up

Okay... I just read Rant #1 and realized JUST how pathetic I sounded... Especially since a lot of my problems have been resolved (or something close to it) in just... 2 weeks lol. Honestly, sometimes you have to step back from your problems when they seem overwhelming, just so you can see how TRIVIAL some of this stuff is... seriously.

For instance, this whole "I hate my job" thing I've been on ever since May... Yes, Walmart is hell. Yes, it has been taking up all my free time since I came home. Yes, I wish I had a more fun/ exciting/easy/(insert positive adjective here) job. But on the other hand, I could be one of the many many people searching for a job that can't seem to find one, no matter what they do. I could be sitting idle, doing nothing and making no money... And money is what I absolutely MUST have... I came home with a broken phone, now I have a brand new phone (even though the screen is broken but that's another story--- and EASILY fixable). I haven't had to ask anyone for anything all summer, and that feels great... Because I'm really not comfortable with doing that for the most part.

On to school... The whole reason why I wasn't sure if I was going back, is because I wasn't sure how I would pay for it. Most of the people in my family have less-than-stellar credit... and I had none whatsoever until I got my credit card recently. So that doesn't even count yet, lol. But anyway, without someone with banging credit to co-sign my loans... I don't get a loan. Plain and simple. I get NO government financial aid, thanks to my stepfather and his huge income... NONE of which benefits me in the least because not only does he not do a DAMN thing for me, but I don't even live with him and my mother anymore... Sucks that I have to put them on my FAFSA but those are the rules. So... I'm forced to take out loans, and the ONLY person that can co-sign is... my grandmother... who is NOT pleased with my performance in my first year. She's been putting it off and putting it off, making me jump through hoops ALL summer... But she finally co-signed for me, HALLELUJAH. So there goes that problem, lol :)

My aunt hassling me isn't even an issue... because that's her job. I've come to realize that she only does it because she's not ready for me to grow up and leave the nest, have my own life, etc. She always has seen me as her little baby, and it's taking her a while to adjust to the fact that I'm becoming a woman and starting to do my own thing instead of running to her every second of the day. But... such is life, I'm just going to grin and bear it though it annoys me to no end when she insists that I check in with her (not often but enough to irritate me).

"I have HELLA bills to pay that I'm not sure where I'm gonna get the money from." Well, I still have bills that I have to pay... however, I've come to realize that the reason I struggle with those is because I have a spending problem. I buy the most random/unnecessary stuff when I first get paid, and then wonder where all my money's gone. I realize that when I get paid a week from now, my WHOLE paycheck is going towards paying off my credit card bill. Anything left over will be for me. If there's nothing left over... tough cookies, because I shouldn't have decided to spend up all my money before and should have paid off that damned credit card earlier in the game. It's time to woman up and get it together, because I refuse to go to my aunt/ grandmother/etc to fix this lil credit card bill problem.

Now, about these females who want to fight me, don't like me, etc. All of them can go straight to hell in a handbasket... because I truly haven't done anything to any of them. THEY are the aggressors, and it baffles me why I'm always a target... I always get caught up in other people's nonsense, whether it be from my cousin arguing with my best friend and me getting caught in between OR from a girl who is hellbent on driving from another state to come fight me because she thinks her boyfriend broke up with her for me--- which he didn't. He broke up with her because she is PSYCHO, but because she saw comments from me on his page (MySpace) she assumed that it was because he was trying to be with me. I decided that I'm not going to deal with the nonsense, ESPECIALLY since I will be leaving this hellhole in 17 days... honestly what's the point of the drama? PLEASE save it for your mama and leave me be!

Speaking of the girl that wants to fight me over this boy... What's up with that? Why do females want to fight the other woman in situations like that? Why don't they go after the man? Honestly, the other female isn't the one betraying you. She's not the one that's supposed to treat you right and be faithful to you. The man that's allowing this female to get all up in his space is the one that's in the wrong... Take it up with him, because half the time, the other woman doesn't even know about YOU until it's too late. That stuff amazes me. If ever oh ever my boyfriend does some crazy mess, I'm going after HIM, not the female, because he's the one I'm in a relationship with, not her.

But, I digress, lol... I have a tendency to go off on a tangent, please bear with me.

So... I had all these problems, now I'm either (a) rid of them, (b) nearly rid of them, or (c) able to move forward despite them... I'm feeling really really UP right now :) PLUS my bestie is back in town, and I'm planning on getting together with her tonight after not seeing her since April... We're going to play video games, giggle and just be generally silly. We have a tendency to do this... I love that girl, she's like the slight ditzy totally crazy big sister I never had, lol...

Speaking of her, she just called me so I must go :) Later, loves!

-Breathe easy-

Rant #1 (this might happen a lot.... lol)

Just when I think that life can't get any worse... Things fall apart even more... I mean, I'm stuck in a job I hate, I'm not sure if I can even get back to school, my aunt is hassling me now more than ever, I have HELLA bills to pay that I'm not sure where I'm gonna get the money from, every stupid girl in the general vicinity has some sort of personal vendetta against me... can it get any worse? I sure hope not... because I'm about 2.5 minutes away from losing it completely...

-Breathe easy-