The Good, the Bad, and the Confusing...

Today was an okay day...

The Good: Went to "Total Attention"... a gospel concert hosted by Driven, a Christian group on my campus... He's a part of Driven (it's open to people from all the schools in the AUC) so I was with him and my "lil sis" BriBri... I really enjoyed it, especially the fact that Dewayne Woods (he sings "Let Go") was there and sang "Let Go". I also especially enjoyed the youth pastor that spoke... she's really good. All in all it was a fantastic experience.

The Bad: Broke down crying in front of him today... which doesn't make me happy. But some things were really weighing on me (have been for awhile) and so the littlest thing caused me to have a complete meltdown... Ugh. I really hate crying in front of people... and this is the fourth time he's actually SEEN me cry, and he also was on the phone with me a couple times when I was crying... This really pisses me off that I'm such a baby when it comes to him... GRRR...

The Confusing: While I was crying (and when I say I was crying in front of him, I mean, sobbing, shaking, and all... gross) he was comforting me... and he said at one point that he was gonna "make it right real soon"... what the hell does that even mean? I'm hoping it means that we'll be getting back together soon... but who knows with him??? We'll see what happens...

[END]

Til next time...
-Breathe easy-

Confused...

Wow... just wow. So he stayed over last night and... some ol' extra stuff happened... Good stuff, but it confuses the hell out of me, cuz that stuff didn't happen while we were together so... why now? Omgsh... omgsh... I'm done. I have nothing else to say today!

[END]

It's seeming a lil bit easier for me to...
-Breathe easy-

High Hopes (that most likely will be destroyed, but oh well)

Is it bad that I'm like... super excited that Richie is gonna stay over tomorrow... even though I know that it means nothing to him and everything to me?

I find myself taking any little bit of attention he shows me and basking in it... when I know that doing so is only going to hurt me in the long run when one day he decides to just stop doing it...

But then again I feel like this is only a temporary separation... and that one day everything is going to be right again...

Because he DID say it was supposed to be temporary...

But how long is temporary??? How long am I expected to wait for him to come to his senses? How long am I gonna still play the girlfriend and he still play the boyfriend role, minus the titles? Because that's what we're doing right now... It really feels like nothing has changed... except the kissing {because we already didn't have sex so nothing is missing in that department}. I swear, we do EVERYTHING we used to do while we were together except kiss... except that random one on Friday which ALMOST gave me hope, but then I asked him about it and was politely brought back down to Earth...

Idk. But he's coming and spending the night tomorrow so we'll see how that goes...

Taking it one day at a time because I definitely can't bear to have any more fantasies shattered into a million pieces...

[END]

Trying not to hyperventilate... just need to...
-Breathe easy-

Friends With Drug Problems: What Do I Do?

I'm definitely concerned for a few of my friends...

It seems they're developing (or have developed) a serious drug problem... I mean, I wasn't worried when they were smoking weed. Hell, who HASN'T smoked a little weed in their lifetime? Even though one of them definitely IS addicted cuz she goes through withdrawal symptoms when she hasn't had any in a while. But all of that aside, I wasn't worried... til I found out that the one who smokes the most ALSO huffs and pops pills. So I've been concerned about her for a little while now. But last night, I also became worried about two more of them, because those two along with the third that I was already worrying about definitely were smoking weed laced with codine. I'm pretty sure that nothing about that is safe... They might as well be popping pills with her. I'm left to wonder if actually popping the pill or smoking it is worse... Idk, I'm not an aficionado of the drug life. But I DO know that what they're doing isn't good for them, and I definitely can't rock with it like I did when they were just smoking weed. What do I do? I have a feeling that if I say something to them, they're going to say I'm sadiddy and acting like a parent... and probably feel that I'm judging them, which I'm NOT... I'm just really concerned and worried for their health (not to mention that they could go to jail if they're found out AND the one with a job could lose it if her job decides to do random drug screening).

[END]

Worrying about my friends really makes it impossible for me to...
-Breathe easy-

Dreams...

So I've come to the conclusion that I hate hate HATE my subconscious mind...

This is because the stupid stupid thing give me dreams like the one I had last night...

I hate when I have a dream that seems so real and so wonderful... and then I wake up and realize that it was simply a dream... a manifestation in my mind of my deep-down wants and desires... and that these wants and desires are still UNMET... It really upsets me.

So my message for today:

FUCK YOU, SUBCONSCIOUS MIND!

[END]

Dreaming of the day when I'll finally be allowed to...
-Breathe easy-

Le sigh...

So...

Today is a good day... I went to the West End Mall with my roomies, got me some new hair (lol... Blame the breakup for me doing drastic things), got me some Jamaican food, which made me happy... had a talk with someone and worked out our differences... and now we're all just hanging out.

Still kinda sad about the breakup but at least I haven't cried all day :/

We'll see what happens...

[END]

It's getting a little easier to...
-Breathe easy-

I Hate The Male Ego... With A Burning, SEARING Passion

Everytime he walks away, it hurts more... but if I want him to come to me, I'm going to have to deal with it... Because the only way I can see him come to me, is if I let him walk away...

::cries::

UGH WHY AM I SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN? AND WHY CAN'T HE STOP GUARDING HIS FEELINGS ENOUGH TO LET ME IN?

He said that he loves me... and honestly, just knowing the type of person he is, I think that's the reason he broke up with me... he's afraid of the fact that he loves me... Because that means NOT having complete control over every aspect of his life... which he hates...

DAMN YOU, MALE EGO! YOU'RE FUCKIN UP MY LIFE!

[END]

All I wanna do is find a way to...
-Breathe easy-

Fade To Black: a 2-Part Work

<[The Prose (Part 1)]>

Crazy how life does you...

You think you've finally brought it together... That your planets have finally aligned, and you've got everything right with your world... Then life snatches the rug right from under your feet, causing you to fall flat on your a--... I mean... Face. As you lay there attempting to figure out how you got to this place, you begin to notice them... All the pieces of you scattered about. There's big ones, small ones, some as big as your head... Wait, IS that your head? You can't tell, all the pieces, once so recognizable when a part of a whole, are now indistinguished. You try to get up, but you find that the weight of the world is on your back--- Yes, your BACK, not your shoulders. You struggle to right yourself, but the effort is too much for you. As you realize that you're not a worthy contender in the match of LIFE, you give up and drift into blackness...

... or do you???

<[The Poem (Part 2)]>

Broken into a million scattered pieces
My heart...
---It would hurt... if there was any of it left to feel pain
But there isn't...
---You've ripped it out of my chest
------Thrown it to the ground, stomped on it
Ground it into dust...
---Ashes to ashes, right?
My heart has died, reverted to its dust form
Will you be at the funeral?
...No you don't care enough to attend, do you?
---...didn't think so...
But WAIT, was that just a beat I heard?
---...nah just wishful thinking
There's no hope for it...
---Why?
------...Cuz the last time this happened, I made SURE to get a DNR order
The pain's too great, when they resuscitate...
So...
---When you murdered my love...
A flatline on the moniter, no coming back...
---As my heart faded to black...

[END]

Learning that I'll never be allowed to...
-Breathe easy-

It's Over... [Single Again]

Well...

He broke up with me... on our 8 month milestone... I was gonna go all out for him, too... Cook, soft music, candles, dimmed lights... Was even planning on giving him a massage with body oils... And I was finally gonna give him a watch I had bought for him awhile back. But now that's all pointless, because he broke up with me... Wow. And the thing about it, it was unexpected, everything had been going so well lately, minus when I had THOUGHT he cheated on me (I was wrong) and minus the busy-ness of our schedules/lack of quality time (well mostly his cuz he has a LOT of stuff to do, it being his senior year, and with him trying to find a job and an apartment, plus all his extracurricular activities). But other than that, I thought everything was going smoothly... stupid stupid me... -sigh-

I'm giving up on love because clearly I am not making good choices, I thought I was making a great one with him but look how THAT ended... and the thing about it is, his "reason" for ending it doesn't really make sense... I actually think that there's another reason that he doesn't wanna tell me so he made up a bullshit excuse... and he was supposed to come over and talk some more about it but of course he isn't... supposedly he's gonna call me when he gets home but I don't believe it, so... we'll see.

Seems like I know absolutely NOTHING about what's going on in my life right now... All I DO know is that my heart hurts, and I feel like I'm dying inside...

[END]

It never works anyway, so fuck trying to...
-Breathe easy-

Ugh... I HATE HIM (but I love him so much it hurts)... =[

I hate feeling like I'm in a relationship alone... or, more like, I hate feeling like I'm the only one in the relationship that actually gives a damn...

I haven't seen this man since FRIDAY MORNING... 5 and a half days ago... and he comes over today, with three of his friends, for half an hour... WTF.

Can I get some quality time? And why the hell has it been 5 and a half days when you are within an eighth of a mile of me every damn day (except Sundays and most Saturdays)???

Fuck this shit. I'm gonna do me and if I see him, I see him, if I don't, I don't and I'm not gonna trip cuz I'm sick of being the only one making an effort, gotdammit.

[END]

This is why it's so hard for me to...
-Breathe easy-

Done

So I was right about something being not quite right with my friends [really, my roommates]. They are some back-stabbing, conniving, two-faced, awful people. That's all I have to say on that note.

[END]

Ppl are making it so hard for me to...
-Breathe easy-

NOT dying... Just a lil hurt

So... turns out that my tendency to jump to conclusions has caught up with me... Because I was completely, TOTALLY wrong about the context of the text messages that nearly turned my whole life upside down... ::sigh:: Research is key before analysis, that's all I gotta say...

However, the text messages, though not what I thought originally that they meant, were STILL inappropriate... But we're working it out, somehow, some way. We had a nice lil chat about some things, and we're fixing what needs to be fixed.

Only thing is, he told me yesterday that we need to have a sitdown talk... and won't tell me what about... which is kinda freaking me out just a little bit because I honestly cannot think of anything that we would need to have a sitdown talk about... especially not so soon after the last one. Idk, I'll find out either tomorrow or Tuesday, I guess... blah.

In other news... I believe there's some fishy stuff going on with a few of my friends... due to a friend of one of them... and I don't like it, because everything was cool until she started hanging with us... Now I find myself left out an awful lot. Why? The world may never know, because I haven't done anything to any of them... All I ever do is try to be (and succeed at being!) a good friend to them, so why don't I get the same in return? Probably because I'm the type not to say much if I'm not completely comfortable with someone, which I'm NOT with the friend of my friend... and she's the type to be loud, bold, and brash whenever, wherever, to whoever... Not a good mix... I probably would do better to just keep to myself instead of trying to fit in with that type of person anyway, because eventually our personalities are gonna clash and that would NOT be a pretty sight, I can assure you of this already. Because it takes awhile to get me to that point, but once you do--- OH IT'S ON! Lol. Seriously though, I don't do well with her personality type... especially the sneaky, talk about you behind your back and smile in your face part... That irks my nerves because if I'm going to talk about someone, it doesn't matter if they're in front of me, behind me, to the side of me, in Japan, on the moon, whatever! If I can say it ABOUT them, I can say it TO them. I'm brave and if someone is gonna talk about me, they need to be brave too. The end.

But... I'm finna go on and put all my creativity into another blog... lol well I'm gonna go post all of my poems that I can find on there... Just gotta create the daggone thing! LOL...

[END]

Til next time...
-Breathe easy-

Dying...

I feel like I'm dying... My life is in a shambles... I feel like there's nothing in my life that is definite... NOTHING. Not even my relationship, because I just don't know who this person is that I've been with for the last 8 damn months... It's like, there's 2 of him... the illusion that I fell in love with, and the real him... the one who does me grimy and just generally doesn't give a FUCK about me...

::hides from the world, curls into a ball, and dies::

[END]

I can't ever seem to be able to...
-Breathe easy-

What Once Was Roses... [[a poem]]

What happened to what we had? I don't understand
The last I checked, I was your lady, you were my man
What happened to us being faithful and true?
Where did this nonsense come from, out of the blue?
Why don't we connect so perfectly like we used to do?
Why does it seem, I'm always chasing after you?
What happened to honesty, loyalty, respect?
What happened that makes me feel you gonna move onto the next?
What happened to the love that nourished my soul?
I'm sitting here, laid back, watching it all unfold
I know, I KNOW, that something's not right
What happened to all the times you held me tight?
What happened to me being yours, and you mine forever?
Sometimes I wonder if our time together
Is drawing to a close, though I don't want it to happen, NEVER
But it seems like we can't seem to hold the pieces together
Why did Friday morning mark the end of the bliss?
I guess its cuz that's the day that my ignorance
Was shattered, pieces scattered, nothing left clouding my mind
And me seeing that this thing isn't all happiness and sunshine...
What happened to the future plans, we talked about achieving?
What happened to not being the type to be deceiving?
What happened to waiting... I'm sure you know what I mean
Cuz that just doesn't mesh with what I've seen...
Maybe I was wrong for looking, but I needed to know
What the strain has been lately, didn't know how to ask so...
Yeah, they say don't go looking if you don't wanna see
But I did it anyway, stupid stupid me
And what I found was enough to make my head light
Got my mind filled with questions, can't sleep well at night
Got me sitting here listening to music, weeping & crying
Got me over here feeling like my heart is slowly dying
Got me cussing and screaming, smoking and drinking
Knocking shit over, throwing things cuz I can't stop thinking
And all the while I'm wondering if you even care
Did you think about it before you took the actions that brought me here?
What happened to us? That question is my hope's blight...
"What was once roses, is now potpourri"

......... yeah, sounds about right...

-Breathe easy-