The Good, the Bad, and the Confusing...

Today was an okay day...

The Good: Went to "Total Attention"... a gospel concert hosted by Driven, a Christian group on my campus... He's a part of Driven (it's open to people from all the schools in the AUC) so I was with him and my "lil sis" BriBri... I really enjoyed it, especially the fact that Dewayne Woods (he sings "Let Go") was there and sang "Let Go". I also especially enjoyed the youth pastor that spoke... she's really good. All in all it was a fantastic experience.

The Bad: Broke down crying in front of him today... which doesn't make me happy. But some things were really weighing on me (have been for awhile) and so the littlest thing caused me to have a complete meltdown... Ugh. I really hate crying in front of people... and this is the fourth time he's actually SEEN me cry, and he also was on the phone with me a couple times when I was crying... This really pisses me off that I'm such a baby when it comes to him... GRRR...

The Confusing: While I was crying (and when I say I was crying in front of him, I mean, sobbing, shaking, and all... gross) he was comforting me... and he said at one point that he was gonna "make it right real soon"... what the hell does that even mean? I'm hoping it means that we'll be getting back together soon... but who knows with him??? We'll see what happens...

[END]

Til next time...
-Breathe easy-

Confused...

Wow... just wow. So he stayed over last night and... some ol' extra stuff happened... Good stuff, but it confuses the hell out of me, cuz that stuff didn't happen while we were together so... why now? Omgsh... omgsh... I'm done. I have nothing else to say today!

[END]

It's seeming a lil bit easier for me to...
-Breathe easy-

High Hopes (that most likely will be destroyed, but oh well)

Is it bad that I'm like... super excited that Richie is gonna stay over tomorrow... even though I know that it means nothing to him and everything to me?

I find myself taking any little bit of attention he shows me and basking in it... when I know that doing so is only going to hurt me in the long run when one day he decides to just stop doing it...

But then again I feel like this is only a temporary separation... and that one day everything is going to be right again...

Because he DID say it was supposed to be temporary...

But how long is temporary??? How long am I expected to wait for him to come to his senses? How long am I gonna still play the girlfriend and he still play the boyfriend role, minus the titles? Because that's what we're doing right now... It really feels like nothing has changed... except the kissing {because we already didn't have sex so nothing is missing in that department}. I swear, we do EVERYTHING we used to do while we were together except kiss... except that random one on Friday which ALMOST gave me hope, but then I asked him about it and was politely brought back down to Earth...

Idk. But he's coming and spending the night tomorrow so we'll see how that goes...

Taking it one day at a time because I definitely can't bear to have any more fantasies shattered into a million pieces...

[END]

Trying not to hyperventilate... just need to...
-Breathe easy-

Friends With Drug Problems: What Do I Do?

I'm definitely concerned for a few of my friends...

It seems they're developing (or have developed) a serious drug problem... I mean, I wasn't worried when they were smoking weed. Hell, who HASN'T smoked a little weed in their lifetime? Even though one of them definitely IS addicted cuz she goes through withdrawal symptoms when she hasn't had any in a while. But all of that aside, I wasn't worried... til I found out that the one who smokes the most ALSO huffs and pops pills. So I've been concerned about her for a little while now. But last night, I also became worried about two more of them, because those two along with the third that I was already worrying about definitely were smoking weed laced with codine. I'm pretty sure that nothing about that is safe... They might as well be popping pills with her. I'm left to wonder if actually popping the pill or smoking it is worse... Idk, I'm not an aficionado of the drug life. But I DO know that what they're doing isn't good for them, and I definitely can't rock with it like I did when they were just smoking weed. What do I do? I have a feeling that if I say something to them, they're going to say I'm sadiddy and acting like a parent... and probably feel that I'm judging them, which I'm NOT... I'm just really concerned and worried for their health (not to mention that they could go to jail if they're found out AND the one with a job could lose it if her job decides to do random drug screening).

[END]

Worrying about my friends really makes it impossible for me to...
-Breathe easy-

Dreams...

So I've come to the conclusion that I hate hate HATE my subconscious mind...

This is because the stupid stupid thing give me dreams like the one I had last night...

I hate when I have a dream that seems so real and so wonderful... and then I wake up and realize that it was simply a dream... a manifestation in my mind of my deep-down wants and desires... and that these wants and desires are still UNMET... It really upsets me.

So my message for today:

FUCK YOU, SUBCONSCIOUS MIND!

[END]

Dreaming of the day when I'll finally be allowed to...
-Breathe easy-

Le sigh...

So...

Today is a good day... I went to the West End Mall with my roomies, got me some new hair (lol... Blame the breakup for me doing drastic things), got me some Jamaican food, which made me happy... had a talk with someone and worked out our differences... and now we're all just hanging out.

Still kinda sad about the breakup but at least I haven't cried all day :/

We'll see what happens...

[END]

It's getting a little easier to...
-Breathe easy-

I Hate The Male Ego... With A Burning, SEARING Passion

Everytime he walks away, it hurts more... but if I want him to come to me, I'm going to have to deal with it... Because the only way I can see him come to me, is if I let him walk away...

::cries::

UGH WHY AM I SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN? AND WHY CAN'T HE STOP GUARDING HIS FEELINGS ENOUGH TO LET ME IN?

He said that he loves me... and honestly, just knowing the type of person he is, I think that's the reason he broke up with me... he's afraid of the fact that he loves me... Because that means NOT having complete control over every aspect of his life... which he hates...

DAMN YOU, MALE EGO! YOU'RE FUCKIN UP MY LIFE!

[END]

All I wanna do is find a way to...
-Breathe easy-